urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade time is reeling in inevitably ruffian badge 2009-08-19T00:55:55Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:48375 2009-08-19T00:55:55Z 2009-08-19T00:55:55Z today i ran through a field in a lightning storm and as the thunder cracked over me and the people i was with it began to hail...maybe marble sized chunks of ice. we didn't get to pick boneset or elecampane. i fell asleep for hours when i got home to be woken up to simon asking me if i have interest in "greek nachos," for which i ended up cutting up tomatoes, olives, dolmas, cucumbers, etc. delicious. after the storm cleared up we went into the front yard cause the light looked nice, all buttery and shit, and there was a rainbow in the south. <br /><br />i'm pretty happy with my life here and with school. we're studying the male reproductive system and 7song gave a pretty heartening preample about gender vs sex and talked a lot about trans stuff (it was pretty interesting to learn more about testosterone and how it affects, for example, mtfs). it wasn't perfect but it made me pretty appreciative of this school. <br /><br />i don't know where i'm going next. i feel kindof silly trying to keep this relationship somewhat going even though i have no idea when we'll be in the same town again. but i really want certain people in my life in the long run. i don't know how to check my high expectations sometimes. i wanna ride trains and i want to go on a bike trip. and i want to do first aid/health work on the border (maybe next summer?) i also sort of want to go to school perhaps to be able to get paid to teach esl (ell), something i think i might enjoy more than working at coffee shops. one of my many hair (hare) brained schemes is to fix up my aunt and uncle's falling apart barn in cotati and live up there and go to school at sonoma state or the srjc. i love oakland, but it's hard for me not to feel stagnant there. movemovemovemovemovemovemovemovemovemovemovemovemovemovemovemovemovemove urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:48020 2008-12-27T01:29:22Z 2008-12-27T01:29:22Z s<br />hi. it is getting dark here and the security guard at the construction site across the street is still sitting there in his car staring down the neighborhood. every week almost a new building goes up in the sprawling lot of condos which borders the train yard and the old train station that has been abandoned since the mid-nineties. i've never been inside the old station but you can get on the roof. i guess there used to be shows there sometimes. anyway as you can see the neighborhood i live in is rapidly undergoing development or i guess people with a lot of money are rapidly attempting to develop the neighborhood. i wonder who is going to move into these lofts. half of the buildings downtown are already unoccupied and more and more of these huge housing complexes are being built and no one has any money anyway...i'm staying in this old victorian on the corner with a bunch of other white punk kids (overwhelmingly white, anyway). there is a gold headless mannequin on the front porch and a lot of books and posters and goofy shit on the inside. it has high ceilings and each room is painted a different color of ridiculous. my housemates are kindof homebodies who like to eat what i cook and bake so i am pretty content with the whole thing. people are mostly vegan but not totally and people mostly don't drink but sometimes they do. it's a really good fit for me and i hope i can stay here, though it's a little weird cause the kid i'm dating and i are sharing this real tiny space that's not even an actual room but we weren't really planning on living together long term and this situation is threatening to be long term...well i hope i can just stay here honestly and he finds a different spot. ha. affirmative action is helping me here, christina wants another girl in the house. i know what it's like to be the only girl. you might object or maybe it's incredibly obvious but a lot of men are not raised to take care of their shit and it can be quite trying to ya know get people to wash their dishes. <br /><br />my transience is becoming a problem cause whenever i want to start a project i think about how i will be leaving soon (in say six months) so i won't be able to harvest stuff from my garden or things like that...honestly i bet a lot of time will pass before i go to new orleans again. it would still be nice to see you some time and you're still welcome here whenever too. probably before i go to new orleans again i will go to mexico again and maybe some place in south america. greece, cyprus, turkey, iran, india, and japan are on my list too. sometimes it's hard to imagine i will have time to do all the things i want to do. some days i'm overwhelmed by the possibilities and the excitement i feel about interacting with the space and people around me and other days it is hard to get worked up about anything. i think this is probably somewhat common. anyway, s, i would be down to hear more about what's going on with you. i really do miss when we would talk more often. <br />un abrazo,<br />zoe urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:47605 2008-08-25T19:07:35Z 2008-08-25T19:07:35Z m:<br />did you write me before i wrote you? the sequence of those messages was..odd? anyway, i haven't been that many places even though i've been gone over a month...i kinda like to stay and get to know a place a little bit anyway. i took a train from oakland to portland, ran into dumpy on the street and hung out with the older crusty kids for a minute, cursed the endless hip cafes, camped on these bluffs, drank a lot of coffee, then went to seattle where another bay area acquaintance was kicking it, we went with this australian kid to port townsend, a little beautiful touristy town on the olympic penninsula...then that guy was gonna hike mount rainier so i stayed and watched his dog in tacoma for 4 days (i am in love with that dog). when he got back i hitchhiked a took amtrak to portland again cause i wanted to hang out with brian on my birthday and he brought me a bike and ice cream sandwiches and we rode around and got the best ethiopian food i've ever had. spent a while longer in portland, miguel and paul and his friend andy were also in town and there was an "anarchist book fair" or something. got the new aufheben and the beirut pogrom by perlman. mostly though i've been trying to read fiction, i got some garcia marquez shorts that were awesome!! and now i am working through something that is not quite as amazing, but the subject matter is interesting, it's fiction about chiapas right after the mexican revolution called the book of lamentations by rosario castellanos. back to portland, i tried to catch out of there with some people i knew from santa cruz and we did, but only i got pulled off in spokane. it was the hottest ever there, i arrived at a truck stop like 10 blocks from where i got pulled off beet red and scary looking from being on a train. managed to get to missoula after hiking and camping in glacier national park for a couple days. it was kinda weird being by myself surrounded by older couples and young families. plus there's all this "don't be alone" bear-scare propaganda. but everything was fine, the worst thing was mostly living off gas station trail mix for three days. missoula was rainy and college kiddy and besides the old huge brick houses and the train bridge i couldn't find that much of interest. i got a ride with some truckers directly to minneapolis, about a 17 hour trip with one of the two truckers constantly driving. this city is pretty great, lots of good vegan food, friendly people, good bike project, diverse population, cool trails by the river. the tunnels last night were fucking awesome. went to two different sets, the second we entered into a manhole right on someone's front steps basically and walked through a short brick walkway which gave way to gorgeous yellow-orange striped sandstone caves complete with bats and carvings from everyone else who had been there before us. today i'm taking some random 17 year old kid who just got here from puebla mexico to the bike project to replace the pedal on his bike and i'm just volunteering there so i can build a bike of my own maybe tomorrow. i feel like i should know more about bikes than i do though and that i'm slowing everything down by being there. next up: pittsburg, upstate ny, new england, nyc, dc, richmond, ashville, athens...fucking college towns...anyway i'm sure this is way more than you expected or wanted but. it's already written. what have you been listening to lately? have you gone to the study group at all? kindof a weird time to be working on the garden, but...i guess the growing season is kinda year round in the east bay...i wonder how my acorn squash is doing...<br />take care,<br />z<br />p.s. sorry i don't know how to make paragraphs urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:46168 2007-10-09T08:09:12Z 2007-10-09T08:09:12Z who knew clif bar made wine? and mini luna bars. and uh...chap stick?? and women's iced tea...weird dumpstering tonight. also got okra and baby artichokes and other veggies. it was dewy out there and desolate, just me and the train whistles. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:45114 2006-05-25T00:03:16Z 2006-05-25T00:03:16Z do make say think ok it is dumb and symbolic and silly and everything, but i can now be found on livejournal at <span class='ljuser ljuser-name_quailblues' lj:user='quailblues' style='white-space: nowrap;'><a href='http://quailblues.livejournal.com/profile'><img src='http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif' alt='[info]' width='17' height='17' style='vertical-align: bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;' /></a><a href='http://quailblues.livejournal.com/'><b>quailblues</b></a></span>. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:44583 2006-05-18T04:11:27Z 2006-05-18T04:11:27Z now denial my mom just asked if i was learning farsi for any "underhanded reasons." when pressed, she confirmed she was referring to "irani terrorists." cool stereotype, mom! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:44239 2006-05-11T20:15:24Z 2006-05-11T20:15:24Z i guess i should say this shit is mostly "friends only" these days. comment if you wanna read.<br /><img src="http://www.grandcanyonbooks.com/canyon98.gif" /> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:43403 2006-04-12T20:45:56Z 2006-04-12T20:46:40Z kikujiro soundtrack these rainy days have been filled with japanese dramas, brownies and creme brulee (of the v. variety of course), sewing silly shirts and aprons, wet soaking miserable bike rides to hot tubs, hanging out with girls and a boy, fried food dinner parties, angsty family, and serious mix tape making. i got a job too, but i don't start til friday. as always, need more structure. need to get off the computer more. can't wait for actual spring. can't wait for friends from d.f. can't wait for cooking tomorrow night. i kinda feel like this guy. <br /><a name="cutid1"></a><img src="http://www.hifi.nl/gfx/ikiru1_balk_221204.jpg" /> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:42364 2006-03-18T01:20:21Z 2006-03-18T01:20:21Z i have decided to be inspired. i have decided to be overwhelmed and drunk on life all the time. i have decided i can be fluent in spanish, an herbalist, an artist of many varieties, a good friend and lover, a person who doesn't let being realistic cloud their dreams. after a certain point, everything, even "falling in love" or being ornery, is a choice.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.spitz.co.uk/images/dandelion_trust_logo.jpg" /> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:41593 2006-02-02T20:53:55Z 2006-02-02T20:53:55Z crass (duh) <img src="http://imagesoftheworld.org/mexico/san%20miguel%20allende-gto-mx.jpg" /><br /><br />i guess this is where i'm going tomorrow. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:40748 2006-01-27T08:40:19Z 2006-01-27T08:40:19Z nico bled.<br />ate insane amounts of almond chocolate.<br />utilized a skateboard for transit.<br />checked out two items from the library.<br />got new shoes and tights.<br />failed at the crossword puzzle.<br />made almond milk.<br />watched cathing out.<br />cheered myself on towards self-reliance.<br />mm bolillos. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:40244 2006-01-24T03:18:46Z 2006-01-24T03:18:46Z i am real sick and real needy and i'm reading one of bell hook's books about love...what a recipe for an emo disaster attack! all day i have been thinking about relationships and how i've internalized so much sexism and how i can't relate to the book because i act how the man is supposed to act or something (i need to work on that). and as always, bell hooks is incredibly repetitive. she says like 42989384 times that even though some men are willing to make some concessions for equality outside the bedroom, (the heterosexual) he still expects his lover to do it with him whenever he wants. i know lots of rape does happen that way, but it's enough to assert this once or twice, it doesn't need to be reiterated every chapter. if nothing else, i like reading her books because they're real personal and anyone who knows me knows i love memoirs and autobiographies and stuff--i am just real nosy. i want to start reading more radical feminist stuff even though it's hard (in that i rarely can find stuff that can see beyond gender and maybe race).<br /><br />i made a huge thing of thai-ish curry soup with hella canned mock meat, kabocha, potatoes, carrots, o & g, and fat fresh rice noodles that's helping me through. today i did something new and juiced apples and celery with dino kale cause my house dumpstered like 2339843984 bundles of them. i can't really describe how it tasted...<br /><br />i have eleven more days here. i hope to spend a good chunk of them in san diego. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:40048 2006-01-18T00:47:33Z 2006-01-18T00:47:33Z some celtic shit my mom's rocking out to the desert was windy and cold and quiet and beautiful. it'd been a while since i felt my heart and lungs so thoroughly chilled through in a positive way.<br />driving up highway five made me appreciate highway one.<br />i helped my dad paint and sand and retie the rope on the old weighted window in the front room. it felt great.<br />i really have no money. and ten dollars fell out of my pocket last night. <br />oldboy was wackier than i thought...not so much my cup of tea.<br />broccoli rabe rules. eat some with toasted pine nuts.<br />oh damn it's started sprinkling. why did i bring my bike? <br /><br /><br />(in case that didn't all flow together clearly, i'm back home in the east bay, lovelies.) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:39429 2006-01-09T20:07:26Z 2006-01-09T20:07:26Z the news my dad always wants me to open a vegan bakery with him or do a cook book of vegan baked goods with high quality pictures or go to culinary school or whatever. i do love food, but sheez it just seems like a collosal waste of money and time when i just want to live in a world with fires and no ovens and um not really any sugar or flour around...the person who i got livejournal and myspace for (when i scorned such things for years previous) has done a total 180 and asks me what i'm going to do with my life, when am i going to stop fucking around whenever i give him shit about blindly going to school even though he has no idea what he wants to do with it...sometimes i think it would be easiest to go to college, but i don't want to be in debt. i don't want to get a carreer. i don't want to be a professor or critic when all else fails. but i am not really satisfied doing what i'm doing either. maybe i'll just be a stereotypical disillusioned young white person and go wwoofing. wanna go to thailand?<br /><br />on a more positive note, i just made some amazing rice pudding with soymilk, white rice, coconut extract, cardomom, a cinnamon stick, a little homemade candied orange peel, chrystallized ginger and a pinch of salt. yeehaw. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:39195 2006-01-08T01:57:56Z 2006-01-08T01:57:56Z sonic youth - silver rocker one side of my face is HUGE. the other is completely normal. it is freakish to say the least. i rented movies that i don't even really want to watch. i'm trying not to take vicodin anymore, but it is kinda throbbing. this is much more painful than my last surgery, no doubt. thank goodness it only needs to happen once. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:39153 2006-01-05T17:30:55Z 2006-01-05T17:30:55Z tomorrow: get wisdom teeth pulled. milkshake at <a href="http://www.oreanshealthexpress.com/">orean health express</a>. long drive up the five while i'm all drugged up, mom and sis in tow. books on tape. drinking everything through a straw. lots of people driving me to their houses to watch movies since my parents don't have a tv and stuff and bringing me cheesecake (blended of course)? please? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:38751 2006-01-02T19:09:57Z 2006-01-02T19:09:57Z 2000: went vegan, got into anarchopunk and anarcho-communism, started homeschooling, went to my sister's in new york, went to ireland and spain, thought voting was good, thought voting was evil, saw dystopia a bunch but didn't like them until years later, came out to my family as "bisexual" (haha).<br /><br />2001: got into my first relationship, really, it lasted two years, moved out of my parents' house to oakland, got into "screamo." haha.<br /><br />2002: graduated high school, took the greyhound to providence, saw more shows than i ever plan to again, got rides with bands, hitchhiked, scammed commuter rails, went to the jersey shore, smoked a ton of pot that year, moved back to berkeley.<br /><br />2003: ended that relationship, fell in love for real, went to prom, got a ride to austin, texas, hitchhiked to new orleans and back with eidon, took the faithful hound back from austin. lived in sebastopol again, drove an 84 volvo, visited ucsc all the time, couldn't handle a title on this relationship (still can't).<br /><br />2004: moved back to oakland, dumpster dove more than ever, started taking jujitsu, made two of my best friends, was really "militant," had an abortion, went to france, moved in with eidon in oakland (egads!) and my vegan stoner friends (horrible combination, really), started working with the barrington collective, helped organize diy fest, really stopped caring about punk, fucked up shit happened with eidon, made him move out.<br /><br />2005: unhappily living in a smoke-filled dungeon, things with r climaxed, we hitchhiked down highway one together, went to venice, ca with my mom, learned a little more about her past, went to guatemala with mike, learned a lot about bicycles and why tourism is really really detrimental, worked full time in berkeley, made a good friend, plans fell through, moved to long beach, still confused about my sexuality, relationship, goals, etc. i can't believe i'm twenty; i feel twelve. or eighty.<br /><br />2006: actually fire a gun, learn more about herbs, go to mexico, continue to focus more on making friends with women, learn spanish, live in a squat... these have seriously been my goals for the past five years, this is absurd. i'll keep trying, keep doing, keep dreaming, keep actualizing. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:38493 2005-12-31T00:52:24Z 2005-12-31T00:52:24Z i just quit my job after three days. fuck that. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:38158 2005-12-29T04:55:03Z 2005-12-29T04:55:03Z back to the future i got a small taste of northern california last night and it was so rich and delicious. i feel like i've been starving here. no one knows how to communicate. few people leaves messages. lots of things that i feel are "understood" among my friends and acquaintances in the bay has to be explained in great detail and then a number of perplexed denunciations follow or simply "what?!" <br /><br />i mean, this is called a <b>river</b>.<br /><br /><img src="http://pangea.stanford.edu/courses/gp104/waterscape/users/kdowling/disp_los_angeles_river_lg.jpg"><br /><br />i'm reading city of quartz, learning a lot about the area, and coming to the conclusion that i want to be very far away from here when the crazy irrigation system fails. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:37948 2005-12-23T01:52:25Z 2005-12-23T01:52:25Z i got a job. fuck. orientation tomorrow. *stabs self* urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:37662 2005-12-20T01:02:57Z 2005-12-20T01:02:57Z crass - systematic death "our lives are escaping us, and any class discourse that fails to start from this is simply a lie. we do not want to direct or support social movements, but rather to participate in those that already exist, to the extent to which we recognise common needs in them. in an <i> excessive </i> perspective of liberation there are no such things as superior forms of struggle. revolt needs everything: papers and books, arms and explosives, reflection and swearing, poison, daggers and arson. the only interesting question is <i> how to combine them. </i>"<br /><br />"our contemporaries seem to live by jobbing, desperately juggling a thousand obligations including the saddest of all of them--enjoying themselves."<br /><br />yeah, i'm looking for a job waiting tables right now. bah. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:37431 2005-12-17T03:02:14Z 2005-12-17T03:02:14Z amebix you are missing out. i just made the most off the hook cherry vanilla bundt cake for my housemates birthday. and frosting that's just earth balance and powdered sugar and vanilla oooh damn. sleazy. i miss ya'll. let's make a cake together next chance we get.<br />love,<br />zouthern california urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:37280 2005-12-15T19:20:44Z 2005-12-15T19:20:44Z should i be a california raisin, emma goldman, or a spandex bicyclist that got in a wreck for a halloween party this saturday? or any other suggestions? i'm excited..soccer, vegan food, and a keg when i haven't had anything alcoholic in a long time. i'm sort of looking forward to just having "fun," whatever that means. ahh computer eating soul... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:36928 2005-12-10T04:42:00Z 2005-12-10T04:42:00Z <a href="http://moneycentral.msn.com/content/SavingandDebt/P135046.asp?GT1=7473">http://moneycentral.msn.com/content/SavingandDebt/P135046.asp?GT1=7473</a> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pawky_aubade:36366 2005-12-08T00:24:06Z 2005-12-08T00:24:06Z smooth jazz looking for abandoned houses while listening to khmer (not rouge!), i took the train into los angeles yesterday. i went to the museum of natural history to see "collapse?" which is based on the book of the title by jared diamond about "how societies choose to fail or succeed." overall, the book was much better (the exhibit just consisting of out of context artifacts from the societies discussed in the book and maybe a few sentences about their demise or their choice to not cut all the trees down) except for the little bit about southern california which was not included in the book. i learned a bit about the population size that lived here prior to the euros fuckin shit up (one million) and why southern california has too much invested in trade to care about its impact on whatever ecosystems around still exist, and of course southern california's ridiculous dependency on imported water and everything like that. then i ate a bunch of fried indian food with a seemingly sweet person and it was great. the train ride home was weird, with these kids that seemed really young but they had tattoos were really rowdy on the train like right next to me and one of them was really nice, one was hostile to me and the rest were kinda like blah, but uh.. the hostile one asked me if i spoke english??? ever since i moved here people have been asking "what is your ethnicity" or shit like that, speaking to me in spanish (maybe they do that to everyone?), but it just feels really different to me than northern california..i thought everyone always assumed i was white (which, ya know, while i don't identify with that shit, i benefit from it and all that, so uh...when people ask i just say that cause it seems to make more sense than trying to claim "italian" or some other bullshit that i am like less than a third of and really has no impact on my day to day life). anyway, then she asked why i wear my pants (tights) "that way" (cut off? with holes in them?? i don't know) and i just was giggling from the minute she asked if i spoke english which kinda pissed her off, but i couldn't stop and they kept insisting i was high and uh.. then they got off to "get a blunt." well today i haven't done shit except eat too much thai food. yikes...